i can't wait to fuck him again!
I'm consumed w/ thoughts of him. I know it's probably The Loneliness acting out, I can admit that... but at the same time all I want is another shot. My stupid pride inevitably gets in the way of everything in this case....... How do you let all your defenses down?
I want to tell him I'm sorry for never giving in, for never going to his mom's house on weekends, for acting up when around his family, for demanding too much time and then not giving the same in return. Also for being a royal b to him in front of my family.
I want to tell him that he was one of my best friends and thank him for being there thru some tough times. I want to tell him that our intimacy was on a different level than I ever had before.
I'm not saying he was perfect, Lord knows there were things that I couldn't stand..... but I feel like I want to scream all of the above to him without losing my dignity in the process.....
Ugh. What do u think?
Cisneros, Sandra. Loose Woman. Random House, New York, NY: 1994. You Bring Out the Mexican in Me Sweet twin. My wicked other,
XX
The hunkered thick dark spiral.
The core of a heart howl.
The bitter bile.
The tequila lágrimas on Saturday all
through next weekend Sunday.
You are the one I'd let go the other loves for
surrender my one-woman house.
Allow you red wine in bed,
even with my vintage lace linens.
Maybe. Maybe.
For you.
You bring out the Dolores del Río in me.
The Mexican spitfire in me.
The raw navajas, glint and passion in me.
The raise Cain and dance with the rooster-footed devil in me.
The spangled sequin in me.
The eagle and the serpent in me.
The mariachi trumpets of the blood in me.
The Aztec love of war in me.
The fierce obsidian of the tongue in me.
The berrinchuda bien-cabrona in me.
The Pandora's curiosity in me.
The pre-Columbian death and destruction in me.
The rainforest disaster, nuclear threat in me.
The fear of fascists in me.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do.
You bring out the colonizer in me.
The holocaust of desire in me.
The Mexico City '85 earthquake in me.
The Popocatepetl/Ixtaccíhuatl in me.
The tidal wave of recession in me.
The Agustín Lara hopeless romantic in me.
The barbacoa taquitos on Sunday in me.
The cover the mirrors with cloth in me.
I am the memory that circles your bed nights,
that tugs you taut as moon tugs ocean.
I claim you all mine,
arrogant as Manifest Destiny.
I want to rattle and rent you in two.
I want to defile you and raise hell.
I want to pull out the kitchen knives,
dull and sharp, and whisk the air with crosses.
Me sacas lo mexicana en mi,
like it or not, honey.
The stand-back-white-bitch in me.
The switchblade in the boot in me.
The Acapulco cliff diver in me.
The Flecha Roja mountain disaster in me.
The dengue fever in me.
The ¡Alarma! murderess in me.
I could kill in the name of you and think
it worth it. Brandish a fork and terrorize rivals,
female and male, who loiter and look at you,
languid in your light. Oh.
I am evil. I am the filth goddess Tlazoltéotl.
I am the swallower of sins.
The lust goddess without guilt.
The delicious bedauchery. You bring out
the primordial exquisiteness in me.
The nasty obsession in me.
The corporal and venial sin in me.
The original transgression in me.
Red ocher. Yellow ocher. Indigo. Cochineal.
Piñon. Copal. Sweetgrass. Myrrh.
All you saints, blessed and terrible,
Virgen de Guadalupe, diosa Coatlicue,
I invoke you.
Quiero ser tuya. Only yours. Only you.
Quiero amarte. Atarte. Amarrarte.
Love the way a Mexican woman loves. Let
me show you . Love the only way I know how.
why is helping someone clean their house so much easier than cleaning ur own?
today, more than ever before, i feel like i need to move out.
How pretty right?!?! Want one?
i was feeling pretty shitty yesterday... i was easily derailed from celebrating my own life... but dezi, maria, and roger quickly put things in perspective.i felt so loved.
i'm so so so incredibly blessed to have the friends i do. they're my extended family. no doubt. ahhhhh and look at these cupcakes!!!
happy birthday to me
happy birthday to me
happy birthday dear meeee eeeee
happy birthday to me.
Tomorrow is my birthday... It used to be such a huge deal. And now, well now it just isn't. I got a card from my sister yesterday. (short version: she's in the military, oldest of four, stationed in Cuba, and used to be my hero. She pretty much fucked my financial status up real bad. Like it will take many, many years and many, many dollars to fix it. She married her abuser behind everyone's back and then moved out leaving my brother and me with unpaid bills and me with a broken heart.) Well I got the card, it was one of those that play a song when u open it... It played ''Tequila'' and she said something so superficial and surface. I know I'm waiting for an apology that may never happen. I know that I put her on a pedestal that was nearly impossible to stay on. I know that she's an adult and had every right to marry her abuser... But I also know I got caught in the line of fire, that she confided in me all the horrible things he did to her and
i just can't accept him.
Receiving the card really put a damper on this week for me. It reminds me of how bad my $ sitch is. And also reminds me of a great b-day last year with all my family. ALL of the people that matter most were there... I know I shouldn't give her that much power over my life but I can't help it. I've cancelled my plans for tomorrow... Plan on leaving work early and getting my gift from The Body Shop and possibly a massage. I plan on spending as much time alone as possible and then maybe going for drinks with Rog and Dezi... I don't want to make a fuss of it, rather start my year with a sense of independence and vitality. I plan on hugging on Yoshimoto all morning long and giving him extra treats. I plan to listen to music I love, loudly all day long, cause music is my therapy.
